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The Christmas celebration at my workplace was great... and the highlight of the event would have to be.. of course, my perfomance.. my solo performance... my first ever performance in front of an audience.. well, in secondary school, i did perform once on stage..but that was dancing... totally different from singing.. and itz been on my 'to-do-list' for a very, very long time... and...this was my chance...and it could be my one and only chance... to perfom in front of a crowd... Honestly... i didn't really practice my vocals... Itz juz that... every now and then i'll sing a song..and..that's it... And yesterday at the party, i sang my all time favourite song, 'Reflection' by Lea Salonga & adapted from Mulan... As I'm so familiar with the song, i was confident that i won't forget the lyrics... So...that morning, we had to work as usual...the celebration started only at 2pm... So...i actually had the whole office to myself for about 5 hours... and the radio was next to me.. with the microphone plugged in...So..i kept repeating the minus one over and over again.. i didn't really sang it outloud.. but i kinda hummed it.. I was worried that i couldn't reach the high notes... So, at that time, that was my only concern... Then at about noon... i was already getting the jitters.. Then one of my colleagues was done with her work... so..i actually told her to give me comments on my voice after i sang the whole song to her... i told her, "eh..u listen to me sing ah.. but...dun look at me.. juz do your own work.. and juz listen to my singing.." so..while she was sms-ing... i sang... i actually turned my seat around to the wall and sang it to her... My gawd...i have no idea why...but..i was bloody nervous!!! my voice was shaking terrbily... and my singing was horendous.. it was horrible.. and she commented that it was shaky...and that my nervousness really reflects on my voice... but at the end, she said that she liked my voice...itz juz that i was too nervous... After hearing that comment i was like...oh shit! That's my main problem that i've had since..erm..FOREVER?! I should have concentrated on how i could overcome my stage fright...but...it was too late... so anywayz... later at 2pm... everyone went to the 'tent'... which was..erm.. at the foyer.. and that it was sheltered with the white canvas tent shade thingy.. and there was a stage! a very..very cute stage... it was rather small..but..most definitely sufficient for me... ahaha..
So..everyone started scooping their food and all...sitting around...talking...and i juz sat there quietly eating... thinking...'gosh..i hope these ppl forgot about my performance'... ya know what.. since this morning...all the workers that i met were like..."eh...you gonna sing later rite..." haiz.. so.. yah... anywayz... the HR(human resource) lady..a very nice & petite lady came to me and said, "how fiza...ready onnot...???" And i was like..."err..ah..eh..wait ar..later lah..." Then immediately she kinda went to the stage and made an announcement, "attention everyone... we have this young lady, fiza... who aspires to be a singer one day... and she's gonna sing for us" ya know what...she actually planned to say "here's our next singapore idol" and i'm like..NO...DUN EVER SAY that... itz too far-fetched and also..i dun wanna disappoint those ppl and most importantly myself... so.. yah.. at first there was some probz with the cd...but...after a few secs..it was ok... then..when the told me to go up the steps...to go on stage... ah... that's when i realised... my gawd...!!! i'm really gonna sing in fornt of all these ppl(about 70 peeps) and my heart started beating so fast that if i'd put the mic to close to my chest...ppl might have thought i was running juz ran 10km or sumthin... and my hands started shaking... my legs began to feel wobbly... and on top of that... my voice was damn UNSTABLE... my gawd! terrible.. and that was it... i thought that was the end of me.. my stage fright totally overtook my voice... and there's no way i could fight back... i'm juz not strong enough... and moreover.. there was some probz with the mic... as in.. my voice was like.. disappearing every now and then... and there was a time when i actually shook my head in disappointment, coz... my voice kinda 'crack'... but... i guess it was saved by the high notes... i really didn't think i could reach the high notes...but..even with all those probz... i managed to do it... so.. overall... i think my performance was not what i'd expected... i really thought i could have done much better... and now..i know which area of my my perfomance that should be focused so that the next time... it'll be better... i was really disappointed with my performance.. then when i came down and went back to my seat... one of the bosses actually turned to me and said..." hey..that was good.." and i was like..." err..thanks" hayyah.. itz kinda irritating ya know... these ppl kept telling me that my voice was nice..and i did great...blah..blah... but..deep down.. i juz know that obviously these ppl were trying to support me and..ya..juz be nice.. so... so far... nobody has told me the TRUTH... yah.. i'm pretty sure on monday... i'm so gonna be teased by them...haiz...
Juz a few seconds before i began to sing... and i kept telling myself... dun freak out...dun ever freak out!!! try to be calm...breathe in breathe out...but...even this voices inside me couldn't outdo my stage fright...
The song finally started... and the ppl were clapping and cheering... and some guyz even whistled..and..they were so encouraging...i was overwhelmed with their response.. but..then again..i haven't even started singing.. so.. maybe when i start singing...they won't find their cheering and clapping worth it...?! haiz..sad huh... but...they were a bunch of great peeps... even when there's probz with my mic and voice...and everything that goes along with it, they still supported me... tanx guyz!
This is serious work.. at this point of time..i was really trying to get into the groove...and think of sumthin that would calm myself down.. but..hmm.. i juz couldn't find anyone or any event that was able to do that... weird huh... so.. yah...
get up-close and personal wif me... haiz.. am i really that..erm...chubby...?! or issit the camera.. ya know..i think itz true when they say that you look bigger on tv then in realy life...so..maybe..for me..i look bigger on camera than in real life...? hmm.... well.. maybe itz due to the heat..coz it was rather hot in their..and maybe...my face kinda ..erm..expand? ahaha... i dun know if itz juz me...but..i think... that's not me... i mean..i looked... DIFFERENT.. but then again its hard to judge ones self..so.. i let you guess decide and make your own judgement lah hor..
and ya know what... the moment i reached home... i started to vent all my frustrations and disappointments by singing... i sang my lungs out...and i look into the mirror and said..."see??? i can really sing!!! itz juz that i can't show it to other ppl..." so..anywayz...after feeling much better...i started to the same thing i do everytime i get home from elsewhere...which is... take pictures! so..here they are...
see...i'm not fat rite??? well..erm..at least not DAT fat lah... and i dun tink my face was as big as during my performance...
a clearer view of my attire..oh yah.. miraculously i can still fit into this skirt.. coz..i've not worned it for 2 years...and i really thought that i was way too 'big' to wear it..but maybe due to desperation, sumhow...i managed to fit into it... and the jacket... i actually bought it the night before...and it took me a few hours to actually find sumthin that i like...so..this jacket is the result of me and my bro walking around jp aimlessly...
i did say that i was left in the office alone for about 5 hours..rite...? so... yah...this is the result of it... 5 hours...sufficient for me to touch up on my make-up...then...yesh...foto-taking session... i juz luv diz pic... itz so... mysterious...dun u tink so..? sheesh..my blusher brush.. kinda look like..ermm.. nvm..i shan't say it..
okz..that's it about my christmas celebration...
The DaY he WeNt awAy...
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This morning...at about 4am... everyone in my family went to the airport to send off my brother... He's going to New York for a vacation... We reached the airport at about 4.45am... and..ya know what... the taxi fare was actually $30!!! damn a lot rite..??? and on top of that, given that my family is big(7 ppl), we had to take 2 taxis...and that means...the total amount spent on taxi ride is $60...!!!! my gawd... a close to $100 for taxi rides...sheesh!
Anywayz.. i was rather shocked when i see that there's a lotta ppl there... so.. upon arrival..my bro has to check in his bags and stuff... so..we waited for him for about half an hour...then...went off to get sumthin to eat.. my bro actually wanted to eact mcdonals hotcakes...but...it was at terminal 2... and we were at terminal one...so... all we found was burger king... and...the breakfast there...wasn't that...good... my bro didn't really eat his meal...coz he was telling us that he was afraid... afraid of the air tubulance or sumthin like dat... and for the past few days... my mom has been treating my bro like a 6 year old kid... REALLY! She'll be like..have you packed your toothbrush... how about your underopants... dun forget to bring the water bottle... in case you are thirsty... alah..ya know lah..dat kinda thing... and in my heart i was like...ma... he's already 20yrs old...i'm sure he knows how to take care of himself...
After taking a few pictures.. we walked with him to the departure place... he was in the middle of saying his goodbyez... and i kinda said, "oh gosh...i tink i'm gonna cry..." and the next thing i knew...my eyes were all teary and tears kept flowing down my cheeks profusely..itz unstoppable... it was a very emotional period of time for me... coz... i'm so close to my brother...and..to me... 2 weeks... a long time... so.. yah.. itz juz a natural thing lah.. i really didn't expect myself to cry.. and i definitely had no intentions to cry wadsoever...it juz happened...and i couldn't stop it... and my ma was like, "eh...why? u wanna follow ur bro ah?" and i'm like, hey..u dun no anything..so...plz dun spout nonsense ok... i mean..it has nuthin to do about me wanting to follow him onnot... itz about family bonding..i'm juz so close with my bro... i share with him all my probz... and when i'm in doubt with sumthin..i'll alwayz go to him... i hang out wif him a lot... my ma juz dun understand how i feel... haiz.. and itz sad in a way... so..yah.. ya know what...i actually wanna tell him, 'i'm gonna miss u...' but i'm all teary and i was at loss for words...i got tongue tied for a moment there..i couldn't speak..words juz wouldn't come out... even now.. i feel like tears are gonna flow down my cheeks anytime now... so..abang..if u are reading my blog..i juz wanna say...'i'm really gonna miss u a lot...!' and remember abang... what goes in the blog...stays in the blogs... some things are juz unspoken for...
after that.. my family...went to see the planes fly off...and.. a few minutes before his plane went off... he called me... to say he's going already... and i actually felt that he, too, was crying..coz..his voice was all shaky and soft.. so..yah.. it was really an emotional event... at least for me ah...
anywayz... recently... i met an old friend of mine..whom i've not seen for quite some time.. we started to treat each other like in the 'olden' dayz.. but..i'm juz so disappointed in him... coz..he kept sumthin from me...which i thought was very important to me... and he actually thought that it was nuthin. well..you are wrong! you shouldn;t have kept it from me... you should have told me rite form the begining... so now...i'm left with a broken heart all over again!!!! MEN! They juz dun understand us, women...!!!
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