This juz sucks!!! I juz hate the things that's going through in my life lately... So far itz all negative... I don't like to admit the fact that i lost... The fact that i'm not as good as i thought i was... I juz don't like to admit defeat... My future is so unstable and so not bright... In fact, i don't even know if i deserve to have a future... I just don't know how to appreciate...
While everyone's busy going to their respective polytechnics to get a full enrolment... I am still unaware of my education route... I still am, making a decision...where i'm supposed to go... I do know where i wanna go... but sadly, i'm juz not welcomed there... And with that, I have 2 plans... Some of you may be shocked with what i'm about to say... But some of you may have thought that i'd turn out this way... I just don't want to deceive anyone or myself again... So... I guess... i'll just have to speak up... and tell the ugly truth... which i thought i could hide forever... but... it juz made me more guilty by telling lies to others about my education... So... this is the truth...
I had lousy grades for my O LEVEL results.... Itz horrible... I didn't think i'd get those kinda grades...especially when itz my final and important exam... I really broke down that day... I was juz to embarrassed to face the others... It was juz my greatest weakness... I couldn't afford to tell everyone that i failed terribly... I remembered crying bitterly (near the toilet, behind the school hall) I juz slide myself to the floor, literally, lifeless... and saying to my close friends who were there, "I want to go to poly...! How the heck am i gonna be able to go there wif this kind of grades!!! I really want to go to TP very badly!!! I studied so hard for this exam...i've never studied as hard before...and i really gave it my all... But... all this is for nothing!!!" I was sobbing and crying for like 10 continuous minutes... and not saying a word to anyone for that period of time... Then i continued saying, "You tell me... Why did i studied so hard? What for? Itz pointless... Coz i knew this was going to happen!!!" Itz too good to be true... for me, to get what i really, really wanted without getting any help... Well, i definitely knew what i want... But...that doesn't necessarily mean, i'll get it... And for me, for my case, to get what i wanted, i had go to an extra mile... And to me, that extra mile... takes forever... and i'm pretty lazy to do that extra bit... So, that's basically why i'm left with nothing... All i'm left with...are juz my dreams...my expectations... Itz just thoughts... Thinking doesn't really requires you to work very hard or to be energetic... I do dream of becoming successful... Having a business... I guess i alwayz thought of what's gonna happen in the final stage...the finished product... and never the construction part... I never really thought how i was going to realise my dream...coz itz too much of hard work...
Anywayz, since i'm unable to apply for a polytechnic the normal way... I have to go for the pleading... Well itz not really an appeal... Itz actually DAE... I applied it... at the same time i applied for JAE... And...i've got the response from JAE... and itz 'unsuccessful'... But for the DAE... I've yet to received the reply... So, currently, i'm still waiting...not knowing of what itz going to be... I didn't really have any high hopes for it... Coz... i gave it a 1% chance... If they were to receive my application and the first thing they did was to look at my grades(which is most likely) then... itz hopeless for me... But...if they were to wait for any empty seats, and look at my application again... and maybe give me a chance... then... you guyz would see me in SP... If not, as i've said before...i've got 2 plans... The other plan... If i were to be rejected by SP... I'd re-take the exam... which... i never thought i'd do... but... i have no choice... There's juz no way i'm going to ITE... Well, i'm not against ITE or anythin... But...i don't think the environment there suits me... So...i'll do wadeva it takes me just to go to TP! But i'll have to make things' right this time... i can't afford to make any mistake...
Last night i dream of being rejected by SP... And, this afternoon i got an oversized-white envelope, and it had an ITE logo... Was this the answer i was looking for? Is this a confirmation letter...? I really don't know what to think... I expect the letter to state sumthin about my rejection to poly... But instead, the very first line, totally turned me off... it said, "CONGRATULATIONS FOR COMPLETING YOUR SECONDARY SCHOOL STUDIES" It sounded so lively when ironically i was totally in a bad mood... and...had a lot of stuff on my mind... Anywayz... it said about having a seminar... And i think i'd go... Just to see what can't of message they're trying to bring forward...and...that's about it... There's juz no way i'm going there...
I'm practically living with an unconfirmed school, unconfirmed future... and... basically ...unconfirmed life... I missed those days when things were taken care of... You won't have to make any decision... everything's settled for you...all you have to do is juz go through the whole process... Especially when it comes to education... For example... from nursery...you'll go to kindergarten...then...to primary school...then to secondary school...and.. here's when the problem began... I still can't believe i'm going through miles...and...miles...further from others...juz to further my studies like them... Sometimes i juz wish this is all a bad dream... I jus want to turn back and do it all over again..., correctly...
I didn't think i'd write this long... well anywayz... i'm still confused, "Did the ITE send me the letter because i was rejected? Is that the final answer i'm looking for?" I just hope i'd get the confirmation letter from SP really soon... Itz taking them too long...
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5 comments:
Cheer up..believe me ada hikmah behind all these. and yea not all we want we'll get it...by all means u put ur all to it. how u've worked hard but if god still wants to put u to test,he definitely will. weigh the pros and cons.and well.. ite is actually not a bad choice either. yes environment wise,its different. bt hey, comin from one who is from ite..yet i dun wanna be there either...and yes the sickening feeling...still...i tried adaptin to it. if ure not one who is easily influenced,insya allah u'll do well and score and do better than the rest. and again..retaking too..belum gurantee that ull make it again even if so u worked hard.ada jalan keluar yang lain..dun gamble with O level too much..think positively..u'll still young my dear...gotta learn to face this,the truth that u dun actually wanna noe or face...i noe u can face this well.pick up this challenge and be strong..dun think of what had happen.the past is over. the future is yet to come. it'll only be dark when u let it be. dun let failure pull u down.u'll overcome this.---take care---- :)
hi fizah... sori lately i hardly been around for u but believe me im always thinking of u gal.. u will be shocked rite to see me reading ur blog. heehe... well, i miz u so much gal! sori eh if i suddenly disappeared, i hav a lot of trouble making things rite in my life so plz forgive me!!! remember, opi never forget u! anyway, i wan to advise u. so listen up! 1stly, jgn risau sgt dgn masa depan kau. well, may be i guess u will say im crazy... of course u hav to worry abt ur future! tapi fiz... tuhan bukannya sekejam yg kau sangka kan. juz let time pass by, the ans will come rite in front of u. lagipun buat masa ni kau tak leh buat apa but to wait for the ans. dun think too much.. berdoa byk2... percaya bahawa ada cahaya yg akan menyinar kegelapan kau itu. aku minta kau byk2 lah bersabar... mungkin kau ckp aku ni pandai lah nasihat but hei, aku juga manusia... aku juga ada masalah tapi aku terus berdoa dan yakin Allah akan bantu aku dan memberi jwpan pada aku. believe me, tuhan never fail to help u tapi kau kene sabar dan tabah menghadapi nya. lambat laun segala persoalan akan terjwb. if u need sum1 to talk to juz call me or mayb msg me. tapi aku tak mau kau rasa malu2 dgn aku. jgn rasa kau ni menganggu hidup aku. tidak penah sekali aku fikir cam gitu. u need a break fizah... from the last time aku jumpa kau sampai skrg kau terlalu stress dgn pelajaran kau. i bet u are completely lost now. so plz fiz... give urself a break. go sumwhere tat can peace ur mind n when u re there dun think abt ur prob. kau nak aku teman kan, i will n make a day specially untuk kau. aku tak mau sampai kesihatan kau terjejas. aku tak mau kau sampai buat pekara yg bodoh sal kau rasa hidup kau tu tak bermakna lagi. aku dapat tau kau buat pekara bodoh siap ah kau! nanti aku gasak2 kau! hehe... juz joking. limit2 pun, kau dgr aku lecture kau n mengomel tak berhenti lah. if kau rasa everyone against u, juz remember me, jacq n all ur bez frenz are always behind u. ok gal... dah lah... aku celoteh byk sgt... eh tapi kau tak leh salah kan aku... aku used to be tukang penasihat. hehe... klah... aku blah lah dari sini. kau jaga diri baik2... aku nak gi bertapa kat gunung untuk tambah kan ilmu aku. chey! haaha... bubye!!
luv,
opi
Hey guyz...! Thanks a lot for ur comments... Itz so touching... Thanks for all your concern...i totally appreciate it... I actually kinda cried when i read all of ur comments... So i guess life must go on... Anywayz... all the best to u guyz too!!!
Aww...dun cry..
im worse than you gerl.
i failed my maths three times in a row.
i retook and retook.and i failed.
and yes.i am shattered.very.I give my all to it. burn the midnight oil.having to werk early in the morn and study at nite. it sucks.
my ist O levels, ive been tru what ure goin thru now.appeallin all polys..u name it.but all rejected. it dreads goin ite... but i did anyway.
and now...i failed again.
and me, goin to 20..goin beck ite..to take higher nitec. i gambled with O levels and i wasted 2 years. waste money on the O fees too.
u're still young. give yourself another chance.open your heart to other choices that is available..
if the oppurtunity of u goin to poly is not bright this time round, dun close your heart to other choices. If oppurtunities doesnt knock, build a door... Like metallion said... its a another stepping stone. it really is. it'll lead u to poly too.u'll be surprised that not all ite students are what u expect.sumhow, its the july batch.means most of them are O level students who didnt make it thru.
i was hopeless like you to.
but after reading this....
i kept thinking...if i dun give myself a chance..and learn to face this.no one will. I'm not going anywhere if i didnt change my mindset. a longer route,by all means if its meant for me..
and really...True success is overcoming the fear of being unsuccessful...
it does not matter how slowly you go..as long as you do not stop....
there are people who are worse than you.: )
like me! im old and im goin beck skool yet i have frens who is now in UNi and finishing poly.
see...
:)
cheer up.
and restrict of education path...
think carefully. :)
all the best to ur application too.
salah.
i mean dun restrict ur education path. there are other choices.
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