little moments of my life

Deceiving
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I've a really really bad habit.

I'm fond of deceiving myself. Not so much of being deceived by others.
Its just between myself.. myself.. and.. yah.. my own self.

I developed this bad habit(to me)since secondary school i guess... Perhaps.. since.. i was a teen... 13yrs of age...

To me, deceiving myself.. is to give assurance.. false assurance to myself... that things.. are, the way i wanted it to be.

And when i finally learnt the harsh reality... I just couldn't face it anymore.

And so.. that explains the prolonged sense of deceiving myself... till now.

Some things are just hard for me to come to terms with. I just couldn't handle it.

The fact is, the truth, really really hurts. deeply.

And so, in order not to get 'hurt' or have extremely low self-esteem... my solution to myself, is to, deceive myself.

Often, it made me feel great and confident.. but.. that doesn't last long.
Somehow the truth always get by me...
And then when that happens, my emotions took a 360deg turn..

So.. right now... I still do, deceive myself on certain things.. but... at the same time.. i try to imagine what the harsh reality is... and so... i wouldn't go overboard in my emotions..
Coz at least, when the truth hits me... i'll sort of be more prepared for it...

But i'm afraid.. one day.. i might not be able to deceive myself any longer...
And that's when i too, have to face the reality that has blinded me all these while..
And... i'm worried.. that i'll be a totally different person...
And that im unable to laugh as hard as today... or smile as wide... or feel good about anything anymore..
And... then... i'm just gonna be... an emotionless person. And won't face the society ever again.

But i really do... wanna face the same reality as others...

Coz all these while the truth is ever so clear. Itz juz me.. not wanting to accept it or even see it.

There's so much more of a person i want to be...

But i just can't.

I just can't.

So now im on the fence on whether or not i should continue deceiving myself... till... the right time comes... then... i'll just see... what everyone is actually seeing.

I guess... i couldn't have predicted these to be happening to me... 19yrs later...
All i was thinking of was... relaxing on the sofa and looking at the peculiar thing that was focusing on me for the past hour or so!

I understand why u went away. And i don't blame u.