little moments of my life

AAHHH....FINALLY!!!!
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For the past 2 hours i've been trying to get to this posting page!!! I've not signed in to blogger for about a month, i think... Then when i finally decided to sign in today... my itchy hands juz had to click on the improve/upgrade thingy.. and.. the installation part took me about 30mins... And that's not including the whole lotta time i took on trying to refresh the homepage just to get to the posting page!!! Wadeva it is, i'm here now... nothing else matters! yay!

Alritez... for the past months.. le's see... I've been pretty busy i guess... But there are times when i was really stressed out and needed to talk to someone and share my problems and vent my anger.. but.. i just couldn't find the time to sit in front of the computer and complaining about how my life sux for an hour.. oh..forget about an hour, i don't even think i'd got the time to spare...

So.. anywayz.. i think i've bottled up too many things... My mind is pretty overloaded just like java.. but.. oh wait, even if the java constructor, is overloaded, the program can still be run unlike me, as a human being, we just couldn't take it... And so when those times happen, and i feel that i'm about to explode anytime.. I'd just feel like crying... And i think i ever cried on the train... but.. not so obvious lah.. For me, i'll cry, in my sleep... well.. erm.. something like that. I'll close my eyes, pretend that i'm asleep, then i'll just let it all out... I'll just think that i'm sumwhere alone and just let it all out, sometimes when i open my eyes i'll feel refreshed and motivated but there are times when i think that i'm really, really, living a miserable life.

Just like yesterday. I thought that it was one of my worst days ever. First of all the night before, i was studying for maths.. till 1am.. then i slept for about 4 hours.. And den had to get ready for school.. i felt extremely weak. But i used every ounce of strength i had to go through the lectures and tutorials... And during lunchtime, they just had to bullshit about how their life sux and dat complaining about them being fat, ugly, having a zit on the forehead.. blah..blah.. and i'm like.. argh... those are the last things that i'd wanna hear!!! And for goodness sake, how can u be fat when ur 50kg?! How can u be ugly when there's guyz asking for your numbers?! And your zit? My gawd... Itz so huge.. that u need a magnifying glass to actually see it!!! Damn u people.. Can't you guyz be more content with wadeva you have and be grateful for it! Stop complaining will ya?! Your life sux??! Mann... you must be kidding me...! Have you seen my life??? Do you know what i've gone through..???! If YOUR life sux then .. Mine... sux a gazillion times more than yours! How's that?! Sheesh.. And the thing is.. I'm not sure why.. But nowadays, i just like to tease all these people a lot.. and make them laugh and joke around... I guess in a way, itz to hide my true feelings from them, and also to share the joy, laughing with them. So.. and on top of all that, i had 3 Tests!!! AAAHHH...!!! I really thought that's it for me.. I'm a dunzo.. And mann.. guess it was really one of the lowest points of my life.

And on the way home, in the MRT, i kinda had a slight breakdown. Really, really felt that my life.. was.. erm... wasn't going on very smoothly.. The routes were too rocky and rough for me.. Didn't know if i'm strong enough to pull through... And.. yah.. i did the cry in the sleep thingy.. And you know what.. somehow.. i felt that HE was listening to my heartache.. And that HE felt what i was going through... Coz.. the moment the train got out of REDHILL.. it was RAINING...!!! And it couldn't have happened at a more better time! It was just perfect! There i was, feeling lifeless and useless and miserable... then... it rained. That was my solution. It's as though the rain was my tears.. Tears that i've kept in me and couldn't let it go.. But that moment.. I just had to let it ALL out. And it felt great. So, i guess yesterday, my problems and worries would have been in the drains, seas and even the 'longkang' near your houses... So, i kinda felt better.

Oh yah.. In the end i went for the Talent thingy in my school... About a hundred people came... I went there with my classmate... She really had support from her club members(which i also was in but.. i wasn't THAT close to them) They practically came with her(and i was with her too. but they came for HER)to the waiting room. Whereas me, erm... nobody came to give me the support i needed. BADLY. as usual. Sumhow when you need them the most, they're just not there. But when i told them i wanna part, they're like, "YAH.. u should go.. i'm sure u'll get in.. your voice is nice.." But when the audition day come, they're like, "oh.. today ur audition ah? all d best lah.." Words. Just words. So.. anywayz...

With last minutes preparations, i decided to sing, a malay song by Hetty Sarlene. Coz, first of all she's such an inspiration to me. And secondly, that's like.. one of the best Minus One CDs that i have... So.. i sang her song lor... Then in the waiting room, my friend asked the person in charge whether she can change her song... coz she supposedly wanted to sing the song that she sang during the camp but she didn't have to find the minus one... blah..blah... and.. she was granted the wish. I was like.. erm.. yah.. big deal. Congrats to you. Now you can put away that sulky face of yours coz you won't need to sing the song that i painfully searched and burned for you.. And i had to buy the CDs.. for you.. And you don't even bother to take it back from the office!!! Yah.. Your welcome. I did it all on my own record... yah..yah.. Argh.. So.. anywayz when she finally went on stage and performed.. i was like.. erm.. yah.. she should have sung the song that I brought for her.. Coz, for one simple reason.. The whole afternoon, both of us practiced our songs next to the club room... We really sing our hearts out.. And the club members.. actually went to sit on the staircase jus behind us.. But we just don't bother about them and just sang.. I was listening to my mp3, shut my eyes... and performed, in front of the wall. Yupz. The wall. Itz kind the best way to practise.So anywayz... she practiced this song so hard.. but yet she chose to sang another song, which to her, sumhow brought her to the limelight(which is true, everyone kept telling her she was a great singer after that camp) And.. what's there to compare with song A which she'd practices for 2 hours... then a song which she'd practiced for only half an hour... And so.. it happens.. She went off-key a few times.. broke her voice.. other than that it was o-kay... I was backstage when she was perfoming, and i heard the crew members said, "nice... she can sing..." I was like... erm..HELLO!!! Have you people gone deaf or what???! Or issit that my standards are way too high...??? okok... i'm not trying to criticise or discriminate her or wadsoever.. itz just dat.. i tink.. she's... just... ok. True, she can sing.. But these people are like singing all these praises to her as though she has the most PERFECT and out of this world voice ever! Sheesh. Then... it was my turn...

The magical Night
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It was my moment. My time to shine. It was me. All me. Just me. And i was on the spotlight. Really. I looked to the front... all i could see was a dark LT... empty seats... and only 4 people in the middle seated. And evenso, i could'nt really see their faces coz it was dark.. And in my mind i was thinking,"Mann... this feels great... There's not many people, the set is dark, and i'm here to sing, on the stage!" I really felt as though i owned the stage. But i guess i was kinda overwhelmed by all these excitement that i was over-confident.. When the song was played.. took a deep breath.. and sang. It really felt good. i'm letting all the emotions out... I'm moving across the stage... Feeling the song... and.. when i reach the chorus part, which is kinda high, i somehow shut myself down from the stage. I was worried.. Worried for that high key. And once that happened, my confidence level just went down the 'longkang'... And.. itz like saying,"All right... that's all folks' that's all for the night... i think you've seen enough.." Yah.. it felt exactly like that... Then.. the chorus came.. true. I was uncertain about that part. And i think i did better when i was rehearsing... And.. after the chorus was done.. my time was up.. and the judges were like, "ok..tanx.. er... fiza... we'll tell you the results through e-mail.." u know wad i did, while they're talking to me, i already turned my back on them, preparing to walk off the stage.. and.. that was it. i've lost hope. There's no way i'm gonna get it. I guess.. that magical moment lasted for only 2 minutes... But you know what... That was the 2 minutes i'll remember for the rest of my life!!! So.. anywayz, as u know.. i didn't get in.. Neither did my friend.. And she's like..."i'm so sad.. so disappointed... how can they do this to me.." And get this, she didn't even wanna hear how disappointed i was... i mean.. she's just too full of herself... all she wanted was for me to console her.. Sheesh.. selfish u may say... Wadeva...

So.. yah.. the next day, i was online chatting.. and one of the club members who was present at the time when i was practice told me that i had a 'powerful' voice.. and i was like, "erm.. yah rite.. try telling that to the judges.." And i was like.. does different people have different sense of hearing or what? One person say i sounded good, the other says i sounded bad.. Now, who the hell should i believe..?? Well, if i were to choose, of course i'd believe the person who said that i sounded bad. Coz i know... dat i can never be too good for something. Never. Itz always ok or bad. So..yah.. i guess.. i do have high expectations for myself. That's just me.

Alritez.. this page is getting pretty long.. and.. i think i saw a few warning/error pop-ups.. hopefully diz page gets uploaded...