little moments of my life

23 JUNE 2005
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Today i'm bad...really bad... Didn't go to work today... But i told my mom that i was going to work after lunchtime... But actually i did went out... I went for an interview... But..sucky lah... Wasted my 10 bucks taxi ride... Haiz..shan't rant about it... Anywayz... After the whole interview thingy... Obviously i can't go home... So... i decided to hang out at Jurong East's library... Itz been a while since i've been there... So yah... Itz kinda a gd feeling to be there... But i felt inferior to everyone there...at least to those who are students... I mean... My heart just aches... when i saw them discussing about projects...and doing group work... haiz... And i really envy those people who brought along their laptops.. Haiz... So yah... with dat... i can't give up now... I gotta get out of work life and start a new life with my books once again...

Oh yah... didn't i tell u... I got home almost at 10 pm yesterday... Oh yah..believe it... I knock off from work at 9 pm... And i missed the 'SUPERSTAR' competition... ARGH! And so...with that...ahah..i kinda vented out my anger by not coming to work today...! uhuh...take that! So yah... 'to quit or not to quit'? That is the question... Issit me, being too fussy...and choosy? Or issit the work? Come to think of it... My work is actually quite...'o-k' lah.. But itz juz that the people around me that makes the whole experience of working there quite bad... Yah.. juz remembered... these few days... they like to pick on me...bully me... humph! Last 2 days was pretty bad... I was actually wrongly accused... These two girls confronted me about some debtor who called up to say that he received a letter saying that he had to pay his debt on that day itself... And these two...bitchy...yah...u heard me...B.I.T.C.H.Y gals... came up to me...looking all so confident that i was the culprit behind the misunderstanding... And with a stern voice both of them stared at me wanting an explanation... And at that time i had a lotta stuff to do...and..i was so damn blur about the whole commotion... Then they asked me to show them the photocopy of the letter that was sent to the debtor... I looked through the whole stack of photocopied letters...and i guess heaven wasn't on my side coz the letter wasn't there... So... all i can do was to admit that it was my mistake... Then...i tried to search for the letter through my folder at the computer...and i found it... I showed it to my leader...and seh said..my letter was correct... Then...that was the moment... i CRIED....again! But this cry was different... It was a 'wrongly-accused' cry...and it felt..it felt...like your heart was torn apart... it really did... Being wrongly accused is the worse feeling ever!!! After finding out that i didn't do anything wrong.. I'd wanted to confront them... And speak to them in the tone that that they used on me earlier on... Just when i was all set to stomp up to their workplace... I thought... all these...the misunderstanding..the squabbles...are juz simply a waste of my time... And i'm gonna be out there next week anyway... So why bother... Juz bear with it... And so...all i did was cry... And yah...most of the documents i was holding was partially wet... and the tears juz kept flowing... But i managed to calm myself by saying...'YOU BITCHES...I HATE U!' i repeated those words again and again..and eventually... i stopped crying... After that i kept staring at those bitches...or rather...i glared at them... I really wanted to stand up for myself...and told them the truth...but.. haiz...i dunno lah... i guess i didn't have the courage...and also..like i said...it was juz a waste of time... So yah... Like in my previous entry... a few weeks ago... i said that i couldn't stand up for myself... time and time again was was picked on... Juz what the hell is the reason???!!! TELL ME!!!

Anywayz... initially i had a strong thought for resigning at the end of this month... But now... come to think of it... Itz hard to find a job... I've got bills to pay... Money to give my parents... my younger siblings... Although my parents didn't say that i had to pay the bills...but..i thought that i ought to do it...and...itz the least i could do for them...and moreover..my mom's out of work... And there's been discussion about us having to move house coz we can't afford to pay the 'house fee' or sumthin... And i don't wanna move house!!! This is truly the best house we've ever lived in... And i love it here...! And so...because of so many reasons...it really sets me thinking... I can't be selfish... Juz because of the problems i'm having at work...my family had to suffer... I really feel so..so...guilty... I'm really at a loss now..again.. And i thought having to fail my o levels was a bad position to be in... this is worse... It involves so many people... And so...i have to think of them... But recently i've been checking out the jobstreet.com... so...yah...i've started sending out resumes... but...haiz...none have contacted me so far... Haiz...looks like i've gotta put my family before me,myself & i.... A little sacrifice won't hurt...rite....? rite...? RITE???!